The Emperor's New Groove
by the fox good
Summary: Two people try to unfuck the 40k universe as much as they can. Takes place in the text-to-speech universe.
1. Chapter 1

**"THIS IS ALL FUCKING NUTS. SERIOUSLY, HOW COULD THE- WHAT THE SHIT?"** Out of nowhere, two very likely douchbags just appeared in front of my throne; their backs to me and stumbling around as if drunk. **"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU FUCKWADS?"** They both turned to face my direction, nearly falling on top of each other in the process.

 _"Eh, who's on first?"_

 _"There a show on?"_

 **"WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"**

 _"Why the hell is it so shieney?"_

 _"Can you shut your whole face?"_

 _"I dont think zats possible. Let me try!"_ And with that, the smaller one tried to cover his face, and ended up slapping himself several times. _"I'll do it, gimme a minit."_ I am not sure if this is sad or amusing. This is almost as bad as that one poker game with Tzeentch.

 _"Eh, whys there a skely on a chair?"_ The tall one began, contorting his face in the process.

 **"WAIT A MOMENT, THIS ISN'T LOW GOTHIC. WHERE DID THESE FUCKERS LEARN ENGLISH?"**

 _"I give up, ima not goin try there so much golddduh in hereeeeeeeee. Whos the dead fuckr in the chair?"_ the small one slurred before the larger one _"punched"_ him.

 _"The fuc did you drug me with?"_

 _"Why do you automaticle think it was meeeee."_

 _"Becas one, fuck you. and two, fuck you."_

 _"No thank you, ur not my tipe."_ Alright, I've had enough of these two dumbasses _"fighting"_ in front of me. I summoned a bucket and threw it at the two of them, effectively knocking them on the floor.

 _"Alright, that fucking hurt."_ The tall one said, his voice beginning to slur less. _"Oi, dumbass, get up."_

 _"I would, but the bucket smacked me in the leg!"_ This is English. It has to be, it is simply too familiar. I wonder if this text-to-speech device recognizes English?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~Linguistic transition to English~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 **"HEY, DO YOU DOUCHBAGS UNDERSTAND ME NOW?"**

"Alright Kenny, you've had your fun. Now fix me." The tall one said slowly as he turned to look at the small one.

"Oh look, its the fuckwad emperor of mankind on his golden toilet!" I psykicly picked up the bucket and threw it at them again.

"OI! What did I do?!"  
 **"YOU WERE JUST TOO SLOW."**

"Yeah well, you're missing your eye." The tall one said as he was starting to get up.

 **"NICE ONE, MAYBE ONE DAY YOU'LL BE ABLE TO COME UP WITH GLORIOUS COMEBACKS LIKE ME."**

"I'm arguing with a skeletal man-baby." This went on between us for a few minutes until the small one came back from fucking around.

"It is the 41st Millennium. For more than a hundred centuries The Emperor has sat immobile on the Golden Throne of Earth. He is the Master of-" He was cut off by the tall one pushing him.

 **"ENOUGH! I WILL NOT HAVE MORE FIGHTING IN THIS ROOM. IF YOU BOTH ARE GOING TO ACT LIKE CHILDREN, THEN I WILL HAVE TO TREAT YOU LIKE CHILDREN. NOW APPOLOGIZE OR I WILL PUT YOU BOTH IN THE CORNER."** They were both quiet and staring at me. **"NOW WHAT DO YOU SAY?"**

"Hey Mason?"

"Jawohl?"

"What do you say to fixing the golden toilet?"

"Percussive maintenance?"

"Indeed!" They then began to advance towards me. They wouldn't dare. They started to walk towards me , while grabbing the bucket from the floor; oh shit those fucks really are going to do it. I spawned in two more buckets and threw it at them. The short one ducked, and tossed the bucket at the tall one, witch he caught. He then ran to my throne and preceded to hit the back where all the cables and parts were. the short one joined shortly after.

 **"HEY DICKFAGS, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO MY THRONE?! CUSTODIANS! SECURITY! SOMEONE! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!"** Then, there was an incredibly loud noise, and a whirring noise. Did, did they just, fix my toilet? What?

"You're welcome jacka- skeleton, I fixed the throne. Now for my reward, I want a planet." Just then, there were footsteps entering the room.

 _"My lord, the deed has been done. It must have taken a- My lord, who are these two?"_

 _ **"THEY, THEY'RE THE, UH. REPAIRMEN. THEY JUST FIXED THE THRONE, I THINK."**_

 _"Repairmen? Fixed the throne? You think? Wahhh?"_ Feeling around for my cell, I found that the have stopped degrading and are coming back, slowly, very slowly but coming back nothingness.

 **"HEY DOUCHBAGS, DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?"**

"I know that I did, I fixed your throne; and you owe us one, because at most you were going to last another 10000 years, and at worst a few decades. Now we've saved your life or have at least prolonged it." Said the short one. Wow. I'm half tempted to give them a planet, if for no other reason than to get them out of here.

 _ **"COCKSTODES, START WRITING THIS DOWN. I'M GOING TO TEACH YOU THE ENGLISH WRITING TRANSLATION SHEETS, AND EVENTUALLY THESE TWO DIPSHITS WILL LEARN HIGH GOTHIC. BUT THAT IS LATER."**_

 _"Yes, my lord. At once."_

 **"ALRIGHT** **ASSHATS, WHEN HE COMES BACK, I WILL WRITE A TRANSLATION SHEET FROM THE LANGUAGE I WAS SPEAKING TO ENGLISH. YOU DO KNOW HOW TO READ RIGHT?"** **The two looked at each other for a long time in silence.**

 **"You can read right?"**

 **"I think so, its been a long time since I dusted off my brain."**

 **"Wait, you have a brain?"**

 **"ENOUGH FUCKING AROUND. CAN YOU OR NOT?"**

 **"Yes." They both said simultaneously. After a while, the custodian came back and began the translation. It took about twenty minutes.**

 ** _"ALRIGHT. NOW THAT THAT IS OUT OF THE WAY, DID YOU COMPLETE MY ORDER?"_**

 ** _"Yes, my lord. The deed has been done."_** **He said while still writing down the conversation.**

 ** _"GOOD. HOW DARE THEY SHIT UPON THE SACRIFICE THAT MY MOST LOYAL SERVANT EVER MADE, BY TURNING THE ORGANIZATION HE LAYED THE FOUNDATION FOR INTO AN ELITIST SHITFEST, IS INEXCUSABLE."_**

 ** _"Excuse me, my lord, I don't think I follow."_**

 **** ** _"MALCADOR THE HERO. PREVIOUSLY KNOWN AS MALCADORE THE SIGILLITE. HE WAS MY BRO FOR LIFE, AND THE FIRST HIGH LORD OF TERRA. HE WAS THE ONE WHO RULED, AND SPREAD THE WORD OF THE IMPERIUM IN MY STEAD WHILE I WAS TINKERING WITH THIS THRONE. IF IT WEREN'T FOR THAT DISSAPOINTMENT OF A SON MAGNUS THE BOOKWORM, WHO JUUUST HAD TO FALL TO THE TEMPTATIONS OF CHAOS AND SENT A BRAIN-SHATTERING PSYCHIC PHONE-CALL TO ME WITH HIS POWERS. THE BARRIERS THAT PROTECTED MY GREATEST PROJECT... THE WEBWAY OF MANKIND, WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN RUINED, AND MALCADORE WOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO MAKE HIS SACRIFICE."_**

 ** _"Oh."_**

 **** **"I know you're a skeleton, but you don't have to talk for an hour, you know." Tall asshat said, fiddling with a small device.**

 **"So, are we going to continue our chess game?" I considered just throwing them out of the palace.**

 ** _"So, um, everything is Magnus' fault?"_**

 **** ** _"DEFINATELY. IF I COULD, I'D BRUTALLY SPANK MAGNUS UNTIL HIS ASS WOULD TURN SO RED, HIS FACE WOULD LOOK PALE IN COMPARISON."_**

 **** ** _"Ah, I see."_**

 **** ** _"COME TO THINK OF IT, IS MAGNUS STILL ALIVE?"_**

 **** ** _"Last I heard, he's a daemon prince now. Residing in the eye of terror on the planet of the sorcerers."_**

 **** ** _"SOUNDS REALLY FUCKING NERDY, JUST LIKE HIM. LATER, I WANT YOU TO SENT THOSE UNLTRAMARINE SMURF THERE TO TRY TO GET A HOLD OF MAGNUS AND THEN BRING HIM HERE TO ME. IF THEY FAIL, THEY'LL AT LEAST BE NOT SO FUCKING SNOBBY ANYMORE, AND IF THEY SUCCED, THEN I'LL GET TO SPANK MAGNUS, SO IS ALL GOOD."_**

 ** _"Very well, my lord. I'll remember to tell someone. Now, what shall we do with those two?"_**

 ** _"LET ME QUESTION THEM."_**

 ** _"Of course, I'll wait outside then."_** **With that, he walked out, allowing me to focus on the two dipshits fucking about.**

 **"ALRIGHT FUCKWADS-"**

 **"The hell do you want?"**

 **"We're stuck in a stalemate."**

 **"OKAY DICKFAGS, HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS LANGUAGE?"**

 **"We were taught by the asshole country of America." Shorty replied.**

 **"Ha! check."**

 **"Wat!" He looked down in surprise. This is going to be a long day.**

 ** _Intermission music_**

 **"HOW DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THE THRONE? YOU SHOULDN'T KNOW THIS."**

 **"Well, I got a very simple answer for that, and it comprises of four words. Multiverse is a bitch."**

 **"PLEASE TELL ME YOU'RE JOKING."**

 **"Yep, it was the warp. Oooooooooo." the tall one cut in while waving his arms randomly. I threw another bucket at him. "Oooooo." More buckets. "Ooo- that's a lot of buckets... Buckets for the bucket god! Pails for the pail throne!" That's it.**

 **"Mason, you have a horrible coping method. Is it me, or did it just get- oh, that's a lot." And so, I unleashed my horde of buckets at the tall douchfag.**

 **"ANYWAY, WHAT WERE YOU GOING TO SAY?"**

 **"Is it really that unbelievable?"**

 **"NO, I BELIEVE IT. I'M JUST WONDERING WHAT I SHOULD DO WITH YOU NOW."**

 **"Well, we came from the 21st century."**

 **"EARLY OR LATE?"**

 **"What happened in late?" If I could move my hands...**

 **"WORLD WAR 3."**

 **"Early."**

 **"I'LL DECIDE LATER. FOR NOW,"** **I threw the translation sheet at the shorty,** **"YOU WILL LEARN HIGH GOTHIC. AND I WILL TEACH YOU."**

 **"Is there an estimate?"**

 **"NORMALLY FROM 50 TO 100 HOURS. BUT I AM THE MOTHERFUCKING EMPEROR. SO IT WILL GO A LOT FASTER."**

 **"Well, you've probably learned quite a few tricks, haven't you old timer?"**

 **"TIME TO JOIN YOUR FRIEND."**

 **"Wah?"**

 **Authors Note: There may or may not be a chapter update.**


	2. Chapter 2

Meanwhile, on an unknown planet...

 _"Why are there so many warp storms?!"_

Meanwhile, back on Terra...

 **"ALRIGHT, NOW MOVE THAT ONE SQUIGGLY LINE OVER THE LETTER."**

"Which one, the one that looks like an 'a', or the mutated 'h'?"

 **"THE ONE THAT LOOKS LIKE A 'C'."**

"Hey old man, can we take a break? We've been at this for two hours."

 **"FINE. GO AND JOIN THE OTHER ONE BEHIND THE WALL OF BUCKETS. I NEED TO THINK MORE ABOUT THIS."**

"Don't talk shit about my wall!" came a voice from across the room.

 **"SIGH. OF COURSE I HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE TWO WORST PEOPLE. ANYWAY, SOON I WONT HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS FUCKING CHANTING ANY MORE."**

"Why? Cause' you're sending the Ultrasmurfs to their 'deaths'?"

 **"RIIIIIIIGHT. NOW WHERE IS THAT COCKSTODES WITH THE CLEANING EQUIPTMENT."**

"Why would you need cleaning equipment?"

 **"BECAUSE MY EYELOBES ARE ITCHING LIKE THEY ARE INFECTED WITH THE FUCKING DEATHEATER VIRUS."**

"I did NOT need that image in my head." Came the voice weakly from behind the buckets again.

"Aaaanyway, how would you know that? Have you experienced this before?"

 **"GUESS WHAT? BACK TO TEACHING YOU. HERES A POP QUIZ."**

"Shit." They said simultainously.

-four hours of screaming torment later-

 _ **"I FEEL THOUROUGHLY REFRESHED NOW. CHAIN HALBERDS TRUELY DO WONDERS."**_

"Just stay still. Maybe he'll forget about us back here." Right. Those two. I almost forgot about them.

 _"My lord, I've been thinking a little. When Magnus tried to contact you, what did he try to tell you?"_

 _ **"ARE YOU SIDING WITH CHAOS NOW?"**_

 __ _"No, no, no, no, my lord, I'm just pondering here. But, I'm thinking, lets say Magnus was trying to warn you of Horus' downfall."_

 _ **"OKAY."**_

 __ _"If that was the case, then Magnus wouldn't have had to send his message to you if Horus hadn't fallen."_

 _ **"YES."**_

 __ _"And Horus wouldn't have fallen if the Chaplain Erebus wouldn't have tempted him to join Chaos."_

 _ **"RIGHT."**_

 __ _"And Erebus wouldn't have kept turning Primarchs to the ways of Chaos unless he hadn't tempted Lorgar to his side together with the Word Bearers 1st company captain Kor Phaeron."_

 _ **"CORRECT."**_

 __ _"So by that logic... wouldn't this all be Erebus' and Kor Phaeron's fault?"_

 _ **"NOW YOU ARE JUST TALKING OUT OF YOUR ASS. AS I SAID EARLIER, EVERYTHING IS MAGNUS' FAULT!"**_

 __"My bullshit detector is skyrocketing." The tall one said.

"What do you mean skyrocketing? Mine just broke." Shorty replied. Ignoring them.

 _ **"BY THE WAY, WHILE YOU WERE SENDING THAT MESSAGE TO THE ULTRAMARINES, DID YOU ALSO TELL THEM TO CUT GUILLIMANS LIFE SUPPORT?"**_

 __ _"Eheheh, sorry my lord, I kinda forgot about that."_

"My bullshit detector just broke too."

 _ **"DO THAT LATER THEN, YOU SHITBOOT. SPEAKING OF WHICH, I NEED YOU TO EXPLAIN SOMETHING TO ME."**_

 __ _"What is it my lord?"_

 _ **"WHY ARE YOU THE ONLY ONE VISITING ME?"**_

 __ _"Uhhhhh."_

 _ **"I MEAN, EVER SINCE I GOT THIS TEXT-TO-SPEECH DEVICE, I'VE NOT SEEN ANYONE NUT MY CENTURION, SOME TECHPRIESTS, THAT AWFUL FUCKING DREADKNIGHT THING, THOSE TWO DIPSHITS, AND YOU. WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE CUSTODES? DID THEY ALL DIE OFF OR SOMETHING? ARE YOU THE ONLY ONE LEFT?"**_ The short one looked up from the translation sheet with a grimace.

"Are you sure you want to know?"

"Kenny? Get over here and help me make this bucket wall impenetrable."

 **"HEY! GET OUT FROM BEHIND MY THRONE! YOU DID SOMETHING ONCE, BUT I'M NOT WILLING TO TAKE ANY MORE CHANCES."**

"Okay, one, fuck you. Two, I'm hiding. And three, can you send down more buckets?"

" **NO. NOW GET OUT."**

 _"Anyway, after we witnessed you at the brink of death, your body being sat on the golden throne... all Custodes went into a collective depression. We all decided to stop fighting outside of the planets borders we've never left this palace since, always guarding your sacred vessel."_

 _ **"WHAT A BUNCH OF PUSSIES YOU ARE. I CAN MANAGE MYSELF, YOU KNOW."**_

 __"Bullshit."

"Bullsh- damnit!"

"Didn't your detector break?"

"I have spares."

 _ **"I'M NOT A REGULAR-ASS FUCKING CORPSE."**_

 __"Yeah, you're just an ass corpse." Not taking my time to figure which one said that, I threw buckets at both of them.

 _"Of course my lord! Eheheh..."_

 _ **"ALSO, THAT STILL DOESN'T ANSWER MY QUESTION. WHERE ARE THE REST OF MY CUSTODES?"**_

 __ _"The rest are currently guarding the palace, my lord."_

 _ **"WELL, IN THAT CASE, TELL THEM TO GO OUT AND BE USEFUL INSTEAD. I DIDN'T GIVE THEM THE BEST WARGEAR IN THE IMPERIUM FOR NOTHING."**_

 __ _"Yeeheheheah, about that my lord. Most of us custodies have not only sworn an oath to never leave Terra and your presence after the Horus Heresy, but have also redefined the use of our wargear and armor as to show that we are mourning your loss. Its quite hard to explain, but ermmmm..."_

"Kenny, this feels shifty. Last chance to take cover."

 **"FOR THE FUCKTEENTH TIME, GET OUT FROM THERE."**

"No, fuck you."

 _ **"BRING SOME CUSTODES IN HERE. SOME OF MY COMPANIONS TO BE EXACT. DO IT NOW."**_

 __ _"A-are you sure my lord?"_

 _ **"DO. IT. NOW."**_

 __ _"Very well, just a moment my lord."_

"..."

"..."

 **"..."**

"I'm looking at this translation sheet, are you sure this is wise?"

 **"OF COURSE IT IS. THEY'VE BEEN WITH ME FOR CENTURIES. NOW WOULD YOU KINDLY GET YOUR FRIEND OUT FROM UNDER MY THRONE?"**

"I would, but he's a bit too heavy for me-" he was interrupted by a bucket flying at him, which was not thrown by me. "Maybe we should get one of the Custodians to do-" Another bucket.

 _"Well, here they are my lord. Some of your other comanions..."_

"Kenny, what is that music?"

"Don't come out here, its too late for me, save yourself."

"Okay!" Then, the Custodes came in. What the shit? What happened to you three? One was in a bra, one was tattooed, and the other was Hulk Hogan.

 _"...Sorry."_

 _ **"HOLY SHIT!"**_

 __"Holy shit!"

 _ **"WHAT IN THE NAME OF TERRA ON FUCKING ROLLERSCATES IS THIS?"**_

 __ _"Mmmm, mmmm,MMMM! My GLORIOUS overlord... The Emperor of Mankind, I am honored to be in your presence once more."_

 _"It has truly been too long, my lord."_

 _"My oiled abs quiver at your voice!"_

 _ **"SO THIS IS HOW YOU MOURN THE DEATH OF ME, HUH?"**_

 __ _"I just want you to know my lord, this was NOT my idea."_

 _"You! We don't see you much around anymore, brother... what was your name again?"_

 _"My name is-"_

 _"Didn't we used to call him, little kitten before he was elected as the Emperor's own personal caretaker?"_

 _"Oooh my... I remember that little bottom anywhere... huhuhuhuh."_

 _"Hehehe, I remember now. Little kitten, the elected one, purring his way so far into our ranks. You weren't ever usefull for anything other than sweet talk, were you?"_

"Bullsh-" For the love of Terra, the tall one better keep his mouth shut if he wants to stay hidden.

"Oh my god, their muscles!" No. He did not just... Hulk Hogen was first to look at that poor bastard.

 _"Huhuhuh, what do we have here?"_

"Oh my god! He noticed me!"

"Great job, Senpai noticed you!"

 _"Another one?"_

"Worth it!"

 _"Don't worry brother, we'll deal with this one first."_

 _"I am soooo sorry."_

 _"He's shorter than a normal man. Hmmm, his bathrobe is very nice, a few holes in choice places, and its very furry."_ The poor bastards getting molested.

 _"Look at his legs, not too hairy, and very smooth!"_

 _"Brothers, I think the other one is under the throne."_

"Piss off!"

 _"Oh my, I guess we'll have to settle for this one then."_

 _ **"IS THIS FOR REAL? AM I ON DRUGS? I FEEL LIKE I'M ON DRUGS. ALRIGHT, THAT IS ENOUGH."**_

 __ _"Eh, of course..."_

 _ **"YOU ARE THE FUCKING STRONGEST WARRIORS IN THE IMPERIUM. WHAT IN THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING UNDRESSED IN THE IMPERIAL PALACE, LITTERALY DOING FUCK-ALL. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME ANY OF YOU ACTUALLY KILLED ANYTHING?"**_

 __ _"Uhhh, I killed a fly the other day."_

 _ **"YOU HAVE THE BETTER ARSENAL EVER PUT TOGETHER AT YOUR DISPOSAL, AND YOU DO NOT USE IT. YOU SHOULD BE FUCKING ASHAMED YOU SHITNUGGETS. NOW, I WANT YOU THREE FUCKERS TO GET DRESSED, GET AT LEAST 100 OTHER CUSTODIES READY, START UP YOUR SHIPS, AND GO DO SOMETHING FOR THE IMPERIUM. THE REST OF MY 300 COMPANIONS CAN STAY WITHING THE IMPERIAL PALACE FOR NOW."**_

 __ _"Very well my lord."_

 _"It shall be done, we will be back with the spoils of our victory shortly, my glorious overlord."_

 _"What a commanding presence! What I wouldn't give to play some blood games with him..."_

 _"And to 'interrogate' this one..."_

 _ **"NO. HE IS MY PERSONAL MECHANIC. HE STAYS HERE."**_

 _"Are you sure my lord?"_

 _ **"ARE YOU DOUBTING ME?"**_

 __ _"No, my lord."_ He bowed before they leaped out of the room. Thank the non-existing gods.

"I'll learn twice as hard now. Thank you for saving me."

 _"Again, I am so sorry."_

"Is it safe to come out now?"

 **"YES. NOW HURRY UP AND GET OUT."**

 _"So ummm, should I follow them, or..."_

 _ **"NO. YOU STAY HERE. I STILL NEED SOMEONE TO TELL ME STUPID SHIT I CAN COMPLAIN ABOUT."**_

 __ _"Oh, you."_

"Guys, I think my knees just buckled."

 **"SHUT THE FUCK UP.** _ **ANYWAY, TELL ME WHAT TYRANIDS ARE."**_

 __ _"Whelp, you're not going to like this."_

 _-wacky ending music-_

 **Authors note: No, this is not the end. Just a funny transition slide.**

 **Anyway, we thank you for reviewing and visiting this story.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Mason POV**

 _ **"SO WE ARE TALKING ABOUT THOSE SOULESS SKELETONS NOW? DO TELL ME WHAT THEY HAVE BEEN UP TO?"**_

 __ _"Actually, my lord, it is getting late. What about these two?"_

 _ **"OH RIGHT, I FORGOT THAT THEY ARE NORMAL, DIPSHIT PEOPLE. FIRSTLY, GO GET ONE OF THE CUSTODES TO TAKE THEM TO SOME ROOM, GET SOME FOOD, AND THEN IMMUNILIZE THEM. I'LL FINISH TEACHING THEM LATER."**_

 __ _"At once, my lord."_ I looked down to the translation sheet and raised my eyebrow.

"Sweet, fresh water." I looked to Kenny, my eyebrow raised even higher.

"I don't think sweet water is a good thing."

"Don't care." There was a tap on my shoulder, and it does not matter what _anyone_ said, I did _not_ flip out and nearly punched kitten; the emperor is lying if he says otherwise.

We ended up walking for the better part of an hour before we ended up at a room, singular, not plural. It had giant golden doors, and inside was a massive velvet curtain which split the room in two. Kitten eventually left, and I turned to take a better look at the translation. "Sterile water and sterile nutrient paste."

"I don't think we'll like the paste." I looked up, "Sterile water, its okay..." At this point, I was half convinced that my eyebrow was going to get stuck like this, "But the paste, the texture is probably horrible."

"Pansy."

"What? I don't care for the taste. Its the texture I worry about."

"...Pansy."

"You're just bored, aren't you?" To answer that question, I gave into my bodies demand, and fell asleep.

 _ **~~Dream Transition~~**_

All around me was a grassy field. I guess I'm dreaming now. _"Why hello there, sonny."_ I know that voice, oh fuck no. _"You have no idea how difficult it was to get here. Between you being so close to the Anathema, and your surprising lack of a connection to the warp; it was quite difficult. But luckily for me, you didn't move all that much."_

"Look, can you-"

 _"Now, now, don't interrupt your elders. Anyway, listen. You might not know, but I have this plan, and you and your friend are interrupting it. So I'd ask that you stop."_

"And why?"

 _"Oh dear! You have me completely beaten! Oh what shall I do?"_ Bullshit. _"How about the next time a Daemon makes its way into the palace, I have it come after you first? I'm sure Slaanesh's daemons would just love a new toy. So what do you say?"_

"Yeah, I've entertained this delusion long enough." With that, I woke up.

 _ **~~Waking up~~**_

Huh, weird dream. Was that kind of thing normal for lucid dreaming? It must be, I'm in the imperial palace. When I opened my eyes, I saw Kenny 'talking' with one of the custodes. "I just had the craziest-"

"Hey Mason, how do you feel about fifty shots?"

"Eh? Bolter or needle?"

"Needle."

"All at once or spread out?"

"All at once."

"Arms or ass?"

"Probably arms."

"I'm fine with it then." There was a bit more 'chatting', before he came back over.

"Well, first off, you've been asleep for about three hours."

"And I still feel like shit."

"Second, I'm still hyped up on some caffeine patch they gave me."

"And you still look like shit."

"Good to know, and thirdly, here's a bottle of sterile water.

"And it will probably still taste like shit."

"..."

"..."

"You on a shit spree?"

"Well, a shitty dream brings about a shitty reality."

"What the hell did you dream about then?"

"You know that guy zintch?"

"Tzeentch?"

"Yeah, Japan guy."

"What about the old coot?"

"I dreamed that he invaded my dream and threatened us. Shitty dreams bring about shitty realities." I saw him narrow his eyes, and I swear I could see the gears in his head start working.

"Tell me you're joking."

"Don't worry, its just a dream."

"I'm pretty sure that's what some of the Primarchs said!"

"Hey, we're in the imperial palace. Like Emps said, 'Its too gold and orderly for his tastes'"

"I'll tell him later, just in case." At this point, the conversation ended, and we were just staring awkwardly at each other in silence.

"..."

"..."

"..."

"So how bout' those fabstodians?" At that, I walked over to a nearby wall and began to smash my head into it repeatedly. I don't even have my buckets with me. "Hey! Don't bleed on the walls!" I was renewed in my quest to break to the other room through the use of my skull.

After around five minutes, I was pulled away from the wall and saw the Apothecary enter the room, followed by multiple trays pushed by servitors. I sighed, pulled up a chair, and braced myself for unpleasantness.

 **Kenny POV**

That was a shit ton of needles, and our arms were basically mummified. Don't leave this room for two days, dick move Apothecary, dick move. My head turned when I heard a knock on the door, and kitten walked in.

 _"Alright, the Emperor has given me these worksheets for you to do. He wants half of them done by the next time you meet."_

"There's like seventy sheets!"

 _"Trust the Emperor, he wouldn't give you them if he didn't think you could do it. Besides, these are the kind of things we give children."_

"What is your definition of children?"

 _"Look, just do the fucking things."_

"Well, thank-"

 _"Also, the Emperor said not to use the translation sheet. He wants to test your memory."_

"Tell him that I'm going to take his remaining hand when I next see him." Mason called out from across the room.

"Er, ask him if he misses his 'giant flaming great sword', because I still have mine."

 _"You have a flaming great sword?"_ With that, he just walked out.

"Well, here's your share." I said as I dropped probably more than half in front of him.

"You don't really think that it was Mr. Japan that visited me, do you?"

"All I know is that something did, and it shouldn't have been possible."

"Why do you think I could understand it then?"

"I dunno, maybe it spoke in mind language." I said as I made the appropriate hand gestures. "Nutrient paste?"

"Nah, I'ma get to work."

 _ **~~This Is A Timeskip~~**_

"Well, at least numbers haven't changed."

"Zzzzzzz."

"Six in the goddamn morning, and I'm still not asleep."

"ZzzzzSounds like a first world problemZzzzz"

"I so have to get a box of these patches."

"ZzzzzzNo, you don't need anyZzzzzzzz."

"The human mind is an amazing thing."

"ZzzzzzIndeed, you piece of shitZzzzzzz."

"The Emperor is a douchbag."

"ZzzzzDon't let anyone hear you say thatZzzzzz."

"The only other person that knows English is the Emperor."

"ZzzzzYou're still a bastardZzzzzz."

"I was wondering when that word was going to surface." Suddenly, Mason sprung up.

"Listen here you little shit..."

"So when the hell did you wake up." He looked confused.

"What time is it?"

"Six thirty."

"I have been up all night."

"You were silent for quite some time." He opened his mouth to retort, but then closed it and looked around the room, as if for inspiration.

"Yeah well, your face."

"What about my face?"

"It... is a very nice face. You must take good care of it. Remember kids, bullying is not okay." Then he fell back over.

"We need a break from this." I said, nearly clawing my eyes out. There was not even a knock as the door busted open, and three very familiar people came out.

 _"Helloooo again, we've been informed that you need new clothes."_

 _"Oh and, we were told to give you this. Also, we were told there were two of you."_ I looked over and saw mason hiding under his bed. Out of all the places... I just stayed still, staring at them.

 _"Hmmm, no response?"_

"Did you forget I can't understand you?"

 _"Oh, I completely forgot! We can't understand you, thanks for reminding us."_ Cue Deadpan.

 _"Good thing little kitten gave us this translation sheet! Brothers, help me."_ They turned around and huddled together to hide something. I half-considered hiding with mason. Finally, they turned around and handed me a piece of paper, asking where 'the other one was'. My only response was 'he's hiding'. Not the best response, but...

 _"Found him."_

"Have at you, foul scum!" I looked over and saw mason laying on the ground, poking hulk hogan in the shin with his pen. Nope, not even worth of a facepalm. Hulk Hogan then picked up Mason and brought him over. It was then, that I heard something shaking next to my head. Looking for the source of the sound, I saw it was two sets of breathing apparatus. Tattoos handed me a sheet with the words 'shopping trip', and told me that when we had problems breathing and that we should put on the apparatus.

 _ **~~Later, At the Shopping Center~~**_

 _"Nonono, try this..."_

"You have got to be kidding." It was so thin, it could only be called 'strings'. Somehow, we ended up in a swimwear shop. At least we haven't gotten to an undergarment shop... yet.

 _ **~~Later, at the Imperial Palace~~**_

Eight goddamn hours of continuous shopping. We were being pushed out of the thunderhawk while draped over a massive hover cart. There is no doubt that we bought over three times our body weight. We were then pushed into the throne room, where the custodians were reporting their 'success'; I however, was doing my best to flip the Emperor off in multiple different ways. There was then a large thud, from where mason had rolled off the side of the cart.

 **"SO, DID YOU BOTH ENJOY YOUR SHOPPING TRIP?"** I could just hear the grin in his voice. Then mason spoke up.

"You. You sent us out. I thought you were this charismatic savior of mankind, not some torturous, skeleton thing."

 **"DID YOU THINK I UNITED MANKIND THROUGH NICE WORDS?"**

"I'm going to spit in your next meal."

 **"YOU CAN TRY, I WONT TASTE ANYTHING."**

"One day bonebag... one day..."

 **"WELL, YOU'LL PROBABLY DIE BY THEN, SO IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM."**

"Oh yeah, I almost forgot." Mason quickly moved over to the throne, and pulled the Emperor's remaining hand right off it. I meanwhile, facepalmed. When I pulled my hand away, I saw kitten trying to get the hand back, and surprisingly failing at it. Mason eventually managed to scuttle around behind the throne apparently, the buckets were still there and were being used to create a makeshift barrier; unsurprisingly from the sheer amount of buckets, it worked.

Before this shenanigan went on, the sound of a large box being dragged into the room was heard, followed by several more custodians, who simply left after delivering the box. "That is a big box, covered by a shit-ton of symbols. And, are those blanks?"

 **"OH YES, THOSE ARE DEFINATELY BLANKS. LOOKS LIKE MY PACKAGE IS HERE."**

"What the hell did you order? A fucking high-ass demon or something?"

 **"SOMETHING LIKE THAT."**

"Like a lost son or something?" With that, a bucket was thrown at me, which I sidestepped. "Is there something you want to tell me?" I asked as I started to move over to kitten, who was still trying to get Mason out.

 **"HOW THE HELL DID YOU KNOW THAT?"**

"I didn't. You just told me." Someone tried to yell bullshit, but was cut off halfway through followed by 'stranger danger'... must have been Mason.

 **"RIIIIIIIIGHT.** _ **OPEN THE BOX AND BACK OFF QUICKLY.**_ **"** Kitten was out from under the throne in an instant, still glaring at it. At that moment, a hand shot out from under the throne, flipping him off.

 _"But my lord, your hand-"_

 _ **"LATER."**_

 __ _"Very well, my lord."_ Kitten went over to open the box, and I stepped back to the throne. I knew what was going to happen to that box, and I was not going to be hit by that flying shrapnel. Once Kitten was finished unlocking the box, he got out of the way, and nothing happened for several seconds, even Mason stuck his head out to look.

Then there was an explosion. It was very disappointing, regardless of the shrapnel nearly taking my head off. _**"NO PATHETIC BOX CAN HOLD ME!"**_

"A pathetic box did hold you dumbass." I muttered. Whether the Cyclops heard or not, he didn't react to it.

 _ **"Where... where are those Ultramarines? Fucking... Smurfs..."**_

 __ _ **"WOW, THE ULTRAMARINES ACTUALLY SUCCEDED IN BRINGING YOU HERE. THAT IS FUCKING HILARIOUS."**_

"I don't find this funny at all..."

"I do." I turned quickly, surprised to see Mason's head on this side of the throne. I ignored him and turned back to the scene unfolding. Kitten, threw a spare bucket at Mason absentmindedly as he wrote down the conversation.

 _ **"Father? Father!? THE CORPSE EMPEROR!? MY FATHER!?"**_

 _ **"YES, YES, IT'S ME. STOP YELLING SO LOUDLY YOU DAEMONIC GOOD-FOR-NOTHING BOOKBANGER."**_

 _ **"How dare you! I am at the peak of psychic might! Lord Tzeentch blessed me with powers unimaginable to mere mortals! Not even YOU would be able to stand against my wrath!"**_

 __ _ **"YES, THAT IS BECAUSE I AM SITTING DOWN. USE YOUR FUCKING EYE, DUMBASS. I DON'T KNOW HOW THE FUCK THE ULTRASMURFS ACTUALLY MANAGED TO GET YOU HERE ALL THE WAY FROM THE EYE OF TERROR, BUT CLEARLY YOUR SUPPOSED PSYCHIC PROWESS ONLY WORKS WHEN YOU ARE FUCKING SOMETHING UP."**_

 _ **"Stop mocking me! You never did anything but look down on me for having my powers, powers that YOU yourself, also had! You never defended me Russ and the others tormented me for them! But now, my powers have been recognized by my NEW lord, and he has boosted them TENFOLD! Now that I am-"**_

 __"Mine gott, DO YOU LOT EVER STOP TALKING!?" Everyone's head shifted to look at Mason, who was standing on the other side of the throne, looking a bit annoyed. "Fucking twenty words or less! Any more and this turns into a fucking soap opera!" I just facepalmed, and I'm sure the emperor would have as well if he had any hands... or could move... at all.

After ten seconds of agonizing silence, Magnus spoke. _**"Who... who are those two?"**_

 _ **"**_ _ **ELIPSES. THEY'RE NOT IMPORTANT."**_ For some reason, I have this gut feeling that the emperor tried to sound convincing, and failed horribly.

 _ **"Er, right. Where were we?"**_

 __ _ **"YOU WERE SAYING SOMETHING EDGY THAT YOU THINK MAKES YOU SOUND COOL."**_

 _ **"Ignoring that, ah, I remember. Now that I am in full control, I shall have my vengeance, and KILL you!"**_

 __ _ **"YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN IN CONTROL OF ANYTHING SINCE YOU GAVE YOURSELF UP TO TZEENTCH. THE MOMENT YOU MET HIM, YOU LOST. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW, BUT HE'S BEEN FEEDING YOU DIRT EVER SINCE HE MADE HIS FIRST MOVE ON YOU. I'M SURE HE DIDN'T HAVE ANY PROBLES CONVINCING YOU TO JOIN HIM, THOUGH CONSIDERING THE WAY YOU THINK ABOUT THINGS. HE MADE YOU DANCE IN THE PALE MOONLIGHT LIKE A PUPPET DIDN'T HE? THAT BOY AIN'T ANY GOOD FOR YOU, SON."**_

 _ **"I HAVE BEEN THE MASTER OF MY OWN DESITNY, EVER SINCE THE DAY LORD TZEENTCH FIRST CONTACTED ME!"**_ It seemed like he was going to say more, but didn't. No one did for several seconds.

 _ **"YEAH RIGHT. GIVE THAT VENGANCE SHIT YOUR BEST SHOT, SON. YOU'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO DESTROY ME MORE THAT YOU ALREADY HAVE. IF IT WERE NOT FOR YOUR IMMATURE USE OF YOUR POWERS, I WOULD NOT BE SITTING HRE ON THIS THRONE ALL SKELETAL AND SHIT."**_

 _ **"Uhh, no? It's not my fault me, AND MY AWESOME POWERS managed to ruin your feeble project when I tried to SAVE YOU! Lord Tzeentch just... um... "**_ Once more, several second passed in silence. _**"Holy shit... you're right... I've... been played all along. I am a fucking puppet of fate, aren't I?"**_

"No, not a puppet, Magnus... you're his whore..." I said as I looked down over what kitten has transcribed. "You poor son of a bitch."

 **"I RESENT THAT, F-U-C-K-W-A-D."**

"Spacewolves. You are their creator, so you are their mother and father at the same time."

 _ **"ANYWAY, IF YOU HADN'T BROKEN THROUGH THAT WALL, RUINED MY MASTERFUL WEBWAY PROJECT, AND LEAD A FUCK-TON OF DAEMONS INTO THE IMPERIAL PALACE, I WOULD BE HAPPY, HEALTHY, AND ABLE TO SCRATCH MY FUCKING NOSE. IN ADDITION, DID YOU REALLY THINK ME TELLING YOU NOT TO USE YOUR POWERS WAS ME BULLYING YOU? I WAS TRYING TO PROTECT YOU, AND PREPARE YOU FOR SOMETHING GREATER, DUMBASS."**_

 _ **"Well maybe if you had told us about the powers of chaos BEFORE we were enlightened by it, then maybe we wouldn't have turned against you like that! This is STILL your fault you damnible lich!"**_

I will admit, at this point, I stopped paying attention to their bickering. I just leaned against the throne, and just started thinking about random stuff. I had no idea how much time had passed, but eventually, I came back to the world when things calmed down.

 _ **"-NOW, LET THE BONDING PROCEDURE BEGIN. MAGNUS, I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU."**_

 _ **"A present?"**_ I feel like I may have missed out on some information... meh, kitten has the whole thing written down anyway.

 _ **"YES, A PRESENT. BRING IT IN."**_ Following that, was a horrible screeching sound as some gift-wrapped monstrosity was brought in.

 _ **"Woh-hoh, what could it be?"**_

 __ _ **"OPEN UP AND HAVE A LOOK."**_ I shifted slightly to get a better angle as Magnus unwrapped it. It was some kind of motorcycle. I want one.

 _ **"Is this a bike? Whooah."**_

 __ _ **"IT IS YOUR FIRST BIKE, SON."**_

 _ **"Wow, I never rode one before. I was always inside reading my books but, every time Jaghatari rode his, I always thought he looked really cool!"**_

 __ _ **"NOW IT IS YOUR TURN TO LOOK COOL, MAGNUS"**_ There was a cough of 'bullshit' from behind the throne, followed by another thrown bucket.

 __"I am the bucket god!" I looked at him for a moment.

"Ya know, why don't we worship you into one, so you can be a warp creation. Oh wait, that's not possible for us."

"I can dream, Harold!"

"... I'm not Harold, dumbass." They all just ignored us.

 _ **"TAKE A RIDE AROUND THE IMPERIAL PALACE, SON, AND DON'T FORGET TO WEAR A HELMET."**_

 _ **"Okay! Thank's Father!"**_ And wit that, he drove out through the doors, nearly flattening a custodian in the process.

"Well, now that that's over with, I need to tell you something, Emp."

 **"WHAT?"**

"When tall and scraggily over there took a nap, Tzeentch invaded his dream. Probably using some warp bullshit on technology."

 **"I KNOW. HE BRAGGED ABOUT IT WHEN I WENT TO TAKE MAGNUS' SOUL BACK. APPARENTLY HE FOUND SOME GOLDEN AGE TECHNOLOGY BURRIED BENEATH THE PALACE."**

"That is a bit worrisome, should we go look for it?"

 __ **"DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE?"**

"Not us, dumbass. Send someone, it should be an easy find."

 **"ALRIGHT. I'LL BE SURE TO TELL SOMEONE ONCE GUILLIMANS LIFE SUPPORT IS CUT OFF."**

"...Shit."

 **A.N.**

 **Sorry it's been quite some time. But, we weren't really sure how to continue this. We finally got back to it, we hope you'll forgive us. No, seriously, put down the pitchfork... all of them. And the torches.. seriously, please put them down. Guys, we're flammable...**


End file.
